Why you should refuse primal urges at 1am

I sunk to some timeless depths of depravity on Sunday night by spending time with Andy Simpson, I know some of you might be calculating what level of hell that's likely to take me too already but it's merely a beginning of a spate of evil doings.

Firstly we entered a pub, something everyone knows is worse than drowning three innocent puppies though a little better than drowning twelve innocent kittens, when you place it on the moral puppy/kitten scale. To draw myself in deeper I then had an 'ale', a drink for those of you unacclimatised to anything but the purest spring water or wine*, that's likely induce people into trying to fully implement Jonathan Swift's 'Modest Proposal'.

I understand Andy to have had a 'whis-key', him being somewhat more morally dysfunct than myself.

It is not surprising consequently that in our inebrieated states; after half a pint of ale and a sip of whiskey, Andy proposed we go hill walking and I, among others who had shared my half pint of ale, agreed. I'd like to add I thought it a stupid idea at the time, a stupid idea going up the hill, a stupid idea coming down, and I especially think it was a stupid idea now.

As is the case with most of my hill walking experiences I never actually walked up the hill, at least according to Andy's standards. (In my opinion I had walked up two hills just to get to the hill in question and was consequently a bonefide veteran hill walker.) Me and a like-minded sensible person decided to take a snooze at the bottom of the hill, with my carefully concealed pack of wine* gums, while the others continued up.

They never went up to the top of the hill in the end so, by Andy's logic he didn't climb any hills and by mine I climbed two. Regardless the point of this tale comes in the descent of the first of two hills we had climbed, when - doubtless in punishment for prior and present Andy consorting - I fell and sprained my ankle. I hobbled to the car with Mr Grierson propping me up and made it home an hour later. At which point I stumbled into my flat out of breath from hopping up two flights of stairs and woke my brother up by falling over twice due to my flat being almost impossible to navigate even with two healthy feet.

He guessed that I had been punished for Andy consorting without me mentioning who I had been with while hill walking at 2am in the morning. He insisted on taking me to A&E in case it was broken. It wasn't and I'm pretty sure they woke up the doctor who saw me, he had a fatigued "If I'd been on that hill I'd have finished you off" kinda look to him, much like my brother, and the nurse took great pleasure in watching me limp around unassisted.

The moral of the tale is simple, never give in to primal, Andy-induced uges past midnight, especially when you're supposed to go to work the next day.

On a another note stealing is bad.

*Wine Fact: Jesus made wine for a feast 2000 years ago, He made so much of it that the drink can be acquired to this day in local stores - the most valuble and oldest of this wine has congealed creating the precious 'wine gums.' Capitalist fiends have exploited our Lords drink to this day making people pay for what He freely gave, unlike TV evangelists.