Sugar Rush

I finally did it, I have done what no person has done before - I've made it further than any other settler. And I have proof! Here we have the remains of the last settlers to make it this far:


I moved into my room in the townhouse I'll be sharing with three other guys. So far eveything is good with two exceptions.

Firstly, I know what those settlers died of; a heart attack or kidney failure brought on be extreme cases of type 2 diabetes. From what I can tell everything here copious amounts of sugar. I got some "pure" orange juice, that along with a piece of cheese here makes me feel sick from the ensuing sugar rush (a sugar rush for me usually means feeling sleepy without being able to get to sleep.)

I've also started to suffer from dehydration as the flat members here have committed the most unforgivable of sins:

It took about two hours for me to start ransacking the kitchen for items of interest, my self-restraint up to this point had been incredible - I'd even properly unpacked. Entering the kitchen, as is often the case, was a pleasant experience. Birds started singing in the trees, somewhere a child was born, and in the distance children were playing happily on the highway. I started opening cupboards, sneering at my new house-mates noticeably grease free choice in foods and distinct lack of neeps.

I ate one hundred and eighty-six grapes (the six really small ones didn't count) and tested out the fabled Oreo and milk combination, however just to keep you on your toes they put salt in the Oreos instead of an extra serving of sugar. In the back of my mind, as I continued my innocent and idle filled activity, an anxiety was building. As I went from item to item and browsed my fantastic selection from the most expensive shop I had ever done the anxiety started to crescendo.

My eyes scanned every inch of the kitchen, my heart started to beat faster and faster. The birds turned out to be vultures and hadidas, the newborn babe a gross three eyed alien bent on world domination, the children on the highway... well their fate was inevitable really.

There was no kettle.

A brief, hope-dashing conversation with my landlord and house-mate Merlin confirmed this.

I cannot live in a tealess world... my project for tomorrow is clear.

A Tealess World:

In Loving Memory

Fraser Scott Henderson

Born 14th December 1983
Died 4th March 2007

"He thought God called him to Canada,

and God showed him otherwise."

Obituary: Fraser Scott Henderson (MA Hons)

The nation is in a state of shock today after Fraser Henderson, the hero of Brixton Valley died today. Fraser is succeeded by a black squirrel (picture below) found feeding near his crisp cold body. Commenting on his untimely and tragic death Prime Minister Stephen Harper had this to say:

"This has been a tremendous loss for Canada, but we must not just look to ourselves, the county's hearts and thoughts are with Fraser's family at the moment.

Though he was only with us for a short time we have no doubt of the contribution he would have given to this nation. It is with a heavy heart that I present this monument to his greatness. Just like him it shows potential, and just like all his hopes and good intentions have now melted away, so too shall this monument."

His death has sparked fierce debate as to whether tourists or immigrants should be allowed to enter within five hundred miles of Canada during winter. Canada would be the third country to bring in this rule after it came into effect in Russia just last year and Hiati followed suit just two months later.

Squirrel Henderson III

O Canada

I've arrived in Canada and have already been forced into hard labour.

I had to shovel the snow off the driveway, which given the snow had a very high density of ice means I can no longer fully clench my left hand... or breathe...*

It took me only 20 minutes with immigration at the airport and another 10 minutes in an office in town (with no queues) to be registered with a Social Insurance Number (same as an NI number) and be legally permitted to work. I'd esimate the same information and process would have taken no less than 4 hours followed by a 3-5 week wait for the number to be sent out to you.

Below is a picture from the bedroom window of the room I'm staying in at the pastor's house over here. I know you all can feel the tingles of excitement at seeing my first ever web-published digital photo... get a paper bag, put it over your mouth and breathe normally.


I'll be sure to update you more on my more** exciting life with hopefully wittier posts in the future.

* How am I alive you ask? That you need to ask the question merely shows your ignorance of basic biology.

** More exciting than a couple of days ago where I spent the entire day playing World of Warcraft, though this point is heavily debatable. Also more exciting than YOUR life, this point isn't debatable; you're breathing, I'm not.