Thursday, September 06, 2007

An essay on hacksaws, blowtorches and angle grinders and their superiority to RPGs.

Some of you might have managed to make out the true story of what happened the other week with my car which resulted in me driving around with ducktaped lisence plates until last Saturday.

As I see it there are benefits to being in Canada with a problem like this. I recounted the story to the church in Smith Falls (about an hour south of Ottawa) last Saturday carefully leaving out the mention of guns and ninjas for the sake of some of the weak hearted elderly members. After delivering some orotory genius mostly stolen from my dad I entered the masses hoping to discuss the topic of the sermon.

It's a silly thing to do I know, it rarely happens and when it does you realise that the person you're discussing it with either wasn't listening or somehow managed to relate it to their pet dog. Regardless I went with this small hope given that we were planning to do some door-to-door ministry and I wanted to get some volunteers. I got three volunteers, the first had a hacksaw with which they were confident they could get the rusted bolts off my car.

I knew they couldn't, it had already been tried and had only resulted in much cursing (of the Christian nature of course things like "Nghhh!!!" and "Raghh Fffffff... friggin' frig frig frig bolts ffffuu... ragh!") Regardless I then turned down this offer. Then there was the guy in a cowboy hat, he appears on occasion at church with one of the most amazingly thick Fu Manchu moustache. He happened to have a blowtorch in the back of his SUV.

This was turned down for a number of reasons: 1) It's a blowtorch. 2) He's was wearing a cowboy hat. 3) His moustache looked mighty flammable. 4) I'm incredibly messy and clumsy at everything I do, that includes refuelling the car - in this case I connected the dots...

I didn't get another offer till I went to my elders house for lunch, dinner, and chilling by a lake (he lives on a lake - the picture is from the just outside his house, they're some stairs leading down to it on the right; it's very cool and I'm incredibly jealous.)

After having to retell my humiliation to those there (including Tom who is a police helicopter pilot who goes around looking for marjuana plantations.) I got my final offer from the elder (John) - an angle grinder (the angle grinder's not called John the elder is, though the grinder might be called John; I forgot to ask.) I accepted this offer given that he also had bolts to refix the plates and so I now have my plates beautifully bolted into the car with only minor body damage.

It is important in the conclusion of an essay to summarise one's arguement and explain the ramblings. The hacksaw was superior tot he RPG predominantly because the officer wasn't holding the RPG properly, firstly he was holding it in one hand, and was consequently not properly braced, secondly the RPG in questions was clearly second rate, looking awfully like a flimsy pen-knife with a screwdriver attachement. The blowtorch was superior because blowtorches are cool and make fire, now RPG's are very cool and make bigger fire but I refer the last part of the hacksaw arguement to augment this case. In conclusion this author argues the angle-grinders are the coolest because they come served with delicious salmon, a lake, good company and actually worked.

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